May 15, 2020
I haven’t slept much all week (it’s well after 3 am as I write this) but it’s not like that’s really out of the ordinary for me anyways (I write some of my best shit at 3 am). Life has been anything but ordinary this week for any of us as we try to collectively navigate our way through our new way of life and learn a whole new lingo while we’re at it.Â
I mean it’s not every day that the only words we hear on the street, on the news or on Facebook are words like State of Emergency, Lockdown, Quarantine, Self Isolation and Social Distancing. It actually feels quite ironic to me because as someone who suffers with Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts these words have pretty much defined my life for the last 6 years already.
My illness makes me react to everything like I’m in a State of Emergency, it’s left me in Lockdown too many times to count, it’s paralyzed me with fear to the point that I’ve needed to quarantine, I’ve felt the need to self isolate when others make me feel like I am contagious and of course whenever I’m in a big crowd (like over 10 people) I am left begging for some much needed social distancing.
Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to be held in captivity, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like when you feel you have no control over anything, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to have crazy, f#*ked up thoughts day and night, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to feel helpless and sad every single day while trying to make others understand that none of us chose or would ever willingly choose to live this way. Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to suffer with Anxiety and Depression every day. And now imagine navigating through all that lingo for 6 very long years or even more.Â
I have found myself writing a lot more than normal over the past week or so and posting way more than I ordinarily do but as I said above, these are far from ordinary times. I find writing is the only thing that’s keeping me going right now. My mind is so fricken cluttered with negative thoughts and writing is the best way to let my creativity explode and let that negative thinking explode too. I’m feeling extremely closed in (which I’m sure most of you are) and I’ve shed more tears this week than I thought was possible but writing and sharing help give me some clarity.Â
Sometimes I write in the hope of making you laugh, sometimes I write in the hope of distracting you, sometimes I write in the hope of engaging you in conversation, sometimes I write in hope of making you feel less alone, sometimes I write in hope of keeping you grounded or mindful and often I write just because it’s the only way of socially distancing myself from the State of Emergency going down in my head!
- Kim Fluxgold
This content is re-posted from Kim Fluxgold's blog: You are Enough.
Kim Fluxgold is a wife, mom of 3 young adult children, dog lover, blogger and author of the children's book "Where Did Mommy's Smile Go?", which aims to teach parents and caregivers how to help children cope with and understand their feelings when someone they love is suffering with depression. She also regularly shares her journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and helping others to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. Kim's book, "Where Did Mommy's Smile Go?" is available at Amazon.ca or through contacting her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out more of Kim's blog posts here. You can follow her on Twitter is @kfluxgold.